small life updates
in the past few months, i didn't have much to talk about, so instead i tried compiling my thoughts into one draft at times that i'd get something to ramble about for a bit. here is the backlog of these things. if you read these, thank you for your time.
i wish i had something to post about, but my depression feels like it's been significantly worse no matter what, and nothing seems to bring me any enjoyment really. in fact, instead i feel this constant fear and dread when it comes to literally anything, even things i supposedly love, filling me with unbearable physical anxiety symptoms. it's been very hard to do anything when i feel disinterested and distressed nearly all the time.. and also just don't feel anything good out of it.
i've just been trying to chip away at university homework and trying not to freak out too much. we have a homework related to values, and have to make four versions of one same painting in gouache — monochrome, in cold colours, in warm colours, and a colourful contrasting version? not sure if that makes sense. i've only started out with the monochrome one at the moment of writing this paragraph, and it's so hard. i don't really know how i am going to approach the other ones either. and we don't have that much time to work on these, i feel.
gouache is satisfying to work with in a.. tactile? way. not sure about that word. but its creaminess is so nice. however, trying to mix different shades of grey has been quite a challenge for me. i'm also much more used to working with tiny formats, so the amount of paints i've been mixing hasn't been enough for the bigger works for uni. i miss working with watercolour instead. so much less paint spent while being able to cover pretty big areas. but alas, all our pieces, including our a2 still life paintings, have to be in gouache now, apparently. yay. i am not experienced enough for this.
i really dislike whatever it is about my brain, adhd or something else, that relaxes (or gives up?) way too early. just because this is the last thing of uni right now, and after that i'm free, doesn't mean it's over yet. i still have work to power through and yet my brain already is throwing tantrums about work more than usual and craving distractions and fun as if we're already finished with responsibilities. like, no, we aren't yet, please for the love of god lock in last few times.
i'm grateful that at least this year we won't have practicum / internship yet. i think it might start with next year, and i'm already sad that i likely won't have july all to myself anymore until i'm (hopefully) done with it. this sounds so pathetic, but i barely can handle going three times a year to these classes, i don't understand at all how people do this kind of thing on the daily for years. it reminds me how incapable i am in comparison to an average person and i get quite sad about that too..
i want to be able to function better. but also why is adult life so full of nothing but miserable labour and then there is so little time for play? i know why, sorry, it is more of a rhetorical question, but it is genuinely depressing. of course people are unhappy. disabled or not, we are not made for something like this.
this year i'll be trying artfight again, though the most i'm hoping for is to get a few sketches done if nothing else. i'm still in a rut art-wise and struggling with a lot of anxiety, plus i have owed works i should really get back to once uni period is over. i kind of wish i discovered artfight and had lots of ocs when i was younger, before all these art struggles of mine and my chronic illness, when i would draw for hours and for days on end. i would had been able to get so much gift art and attacks in back then and make much more fun and interesting stuff.. these days i seem to be so rigid and easily intimidated, especially now with my worsened anxiety. i miss feeling more free, even if i was a slower artist. i still am pretty slow anyway, but trying to learn to be quicker has messed with my patience i think. why is everything always such a hard balancing act? is nothing easy.
writing this section on july 7th to say, yay!! i have been prescribed a stimulant finally, still need to actually schedule to get access to it, but that is progress i thought i'd never get to. i am nervous that it won't help me, but i'm hoping it will. maybe i'll actually be somewhat productive finally. genuinely, fingers crossed.
also, still struggling with art. i really haven't been drawing much if at all, and any attempts i make look. bad. to be honest. it's upsetting. i want to try participating in artfight at least a little bit. this year i have been getting a shocking amount of attacks, actually! it's making me kind of nervous, as i'm not sure i'll be able to get revenges done. but it's been so many attacks in the past few days, more than in the past couple years combined! i've been really happy seeing so much wonderful art of my babies though, don't get me wrong, i appreciate it all so very much and it keeps being a highlight of my days.
i'm also sitting without my pc at this time. it's in repairs, because it started just randomly crashing in the recent few weeks, making it impossible to play anything without losing progress or restarting several times. i am worried the issue won't get fixed, but hopefully everything will be okay.
also, me and my partner are planning a trip to turkey in august with the help from my parents (infinitely grateful to them for it, i know it is insanely expensive..). we are a bit worried as we didn't think about possible issues with being lgbt, and apparently turkey is Very lgbtphobic and allows hate crimes.. but we are hoping it will be safe to just relax at a resort without getting into any trouble if we're lowkey and only trying to have a fun little vacation. it's hard to not feel anxious though. please keep us in your thoughts and wish us luck.